| The Assassination of Jesse
James by the Coward Robert Ford feels slower to watch than
the title is long. Fair acting can’t save this movie
from the grass growing, paint drying, and snail-racing pace.
Brad Pitt lands the honor of playing legendary Wild West
legend Jesse James. James’ paranoia runs rampant as
he kills and maims his friends, his victims and his posse-mates.
His behavior and the government set in motion an assassination
plot to kill Jesse James. Robert Ford (Casey Affleck) is the
meek weakling who is put in the position to be the killer
of Jesse James.
After I saw The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward
Robert Ford all I could think about was my Human Sexuality
class. When I was in college my Human Sexuality teacher managed
to teach about human sexuality without ever accidently slipping
and having a sexy tone to his voice or a giggle when he talked
about anything sexual. He managed to take the sex out of sexuality
and do it with the honed ability to bore his students. Director
and writer Andrew Dominik managed to take all the Wild and
West out of his version of Jesse James’ story. Yeah,
sure there are guns, shootings and robberies but they are
as exciting as medical sketches of uteruses are erotic.
This movie progresses like a high drama western soap opera.
The story unfurls as smoothly as a ride across the outback
and at the pace of an octogenarian three-legged race. There
are endless subplots and characters whose motives aren’t
clear or make any sense. It is hard to keep track of who is
dead, who is running away, or who did what to whom for how
many cookies.
The acting in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward
Robert Ford isn’t atrocious, but a shining cinematic
example it isn’t. Jesse James is supposed to be sexy,
bad, unpredictable, and mildly scary. Brad Pitt is no bad
boy, doesn’t approach fearful, is less than his peak
of sexiness and, due to the dreadful writing; is utterly predictable.
Casey Affleck, who plays Robert Ford, might as well develop
a lisp, walk with a dead leg and try to lick his ear because
his performance could not have been much worse.
My favorite character in The Assassination of Jesse James
by the Coward Robert Ford is the sky. The sky and its sidekick,
quickly moving clouds, have more film time than any other
character. As a time bridge, as well as a transition between
scenes, there are floating clouds racing across the screen
as if late for the biggest job interview of their lives. It
always looks great in light blue; the clouds know how to race
across the screen with a floating grace and are the only part
of this movie not running at dial-up speed.
Just add this western to the collection of unexciting and
boring movies already in its genre. Borefest is putting it
nicely.
- LaRae Meadows
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